um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Randomize
