theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Randomize
