God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
thus making me awesome and them whores
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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