Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Randomize
