I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
