Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
