Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
