everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
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