I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
accomplished twins. life is a go
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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