I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Randomize
