I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
