clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
