If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
