I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Randomize
