I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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