I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
