My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
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