Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
When are your genitals available?
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
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