the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Randomize
