I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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