Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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