did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Randomize
