Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Randomize
