I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
Randomize
