I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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