ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Randomize
