He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
