it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
