My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
