shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
