So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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