i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
