I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Randomize
