No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
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