i just wanna soil my oats bro
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Randomize
