Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Randomize
