There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Randomize
