the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Houston, we have a squirter
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
Randomize
