so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
