I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
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