The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
