Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
