hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
