and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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