some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Randomize
