just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
