Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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