i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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