I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Randomize
