his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
