so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Randomize
